I don’t even think I started crying because of that. I mean, it does make me angry and upset. But the last couple days I’ve just been weirdly emotional and crying for no reason. I don’t know what’s going on.
And now I’m crying because I’m just now finding out about his drinking problem and he doesn’t even care to stop or think about how it affects other people let alone himself. I’m so fucking pissed off right now. He’s just making jokes about it and I’m sitting here, feeling like I’m 16 again, crying over his dumb ass. “Everyone has their sins. Drinking, gambling, and sex are mine,” his words exactly. Couldn’t describe him better myself. That’s Robby though. He’s always been that way. And there is nothing I can do. He’s going to drink himself to death and I can’t stop him.
I will always care about Robby. He was one of the first people I ever loved. We were supposed to get married. But I was a silly 16 year old girl and he was a 22 year old man with a daughter. In the last four years, we’ve seen each other twice but every so often he tries to convince me that we’re meant to be. I used to believe that but now I know it’s not true. Although sometimes I think he might actually believe it is. It’s been almost five years since we met and he still thinks we’re destined to end up together. I was immature back then, but I’m older now and know better. He’ll always have a place in my heart but I will never let him back into my life that way. I just hope he finds happiness.
So when people leave, I’ve learned the secret: let them. Because, most of the time, they have to.
Let them walk away and go places. Let them have adventures in the wild without you. Let them travel the world and explore life beyond a horizon that you exist in. And know, deep down, that heroes aren’t qualified by their capacity to stay but by their decision to return.
About a month ago I painted a little painting of a sunset (with little stars and even Mars in the distance) and I was really proud of it. I made it with the intentions of giving it to Derek because the night sky makes me think of him. Well I finally got to give it to him the other day and tonight he sent me a picture of it sitting in his station at the tattoo shop and he said, “I get to look at it every day now.” That literally made my entire day.
“I don’t mind getting naked or seeing you naked.
I don’t mind talking about sex or having sex
or never having sex. I don’t mind my body
or your body with mine. I don’t mind
your sweaty palms, your chapped lips,
your dirty tongue. I don’t mind
your noisy music, your crappy poetry,
your soiled shoes and ugly handwriting.
I don’t mind 2ams and late night
phone calls, stolen kisses and white lies.
I don’t mind your half-eaten donut,
frozen teabags and sticky hair.
I want your toothbrush’s head
leaning towards mine. I want
your 4am back massage.
Cup my breasts and don’t say
they’re small. I already know that.
Kiss me once and kiss me more.
Pretend what we’re doing is illegal.
It’s always good to be caught
with our mouths tied together
like handcuffs. Dry your cheeks
and make me bleed.
Crave me.”—irishjulienne’s, in the name of intimacy (via talkingoutsoft)